Packing my Things, Tucking my Heart... Europe

5:30 AM

[/] Pen
[/] Ink
[/] A Map of Europe
[/] A fresh roll of parchment
[/] My Comb
[/] Clothes
[/] Pressed
[X] Mother's Consent
[none] Doubts
[TBA] Passport
if (/), You're good to go
if (x), bye bye Europe
if (TBA), [] Check with Jose Mercado, it is with him then
[ ] Goodbyes to my Siblings
[/] Pocket Money
[/] Itinerary for the next 6 months
[XX] Second thoughts?
[/] A message to my mother explaining what I have done
[/] Proof-Read
[/] 100% Sure of not explaining it in person?
[a thousand times] Re-Read
[always] A silent prayer for family's safety and
understanding
[in my heart] Leonor Rivera
[none as of the moment] check for tears


7:45 AM.

[/] Last look at my house
[/, a million] thoughts
[never enough] goodbyes
[definitely] tears

9:00 AM.

[/] Luggage and Things

6:15 PM.

A sparkle on the horizon, I see the moon coming. A Sun's farewell rays to the West, a gloomy salutation of a Disc to the East, the moon. In my town, maybe they are looking at the same moon as I do. Perhaps, no, certainly, my mother and my siblings can see it too. Looking at it, and thinking of me, as I do now... Thinking of them. If instead looking at the same point, our gazes would meet.

6:17 PM.

Cuando en las andas
De los vastos mares
Carria a sepultar
Sus rayos bellos
El Rubio Apolo

My mother would recite so often, I can hear her voice now...

7:00 PM

[/] Luggage and Things
[breaking] My Heart

I can't see the shorelines of my hometown.
'Till we meet again

XOXO,
[x] Jose Protasio
[/] Jose Rizal

Romeo.. Romeo.. Where art thou Romeo?

Ang pangit.

Parang... pakiramdam ko... hindi na naging Romeo and Juliet ang dapat na maging titolo ng dula kung hindi "Romeo and Julio".

Ang pangit nga lang talaga pakinggan dahil ako ang napagandang si Juliet. Ayos ba? Hindi ko nga lamang maintindihan, bakit nga ba ako ang ginawang si Juliet? Ako ba ang pinaka mukang babae sa aming lahat? Bakit hindi nalang si Del Pilar? O si Ponce? Dahil ba may bigote sila at ako wala? Napakasama nga naman talaga.

Hindi naman ako ganun ka mukang babae diba? O mukha nga ba talaga? :|

Oo! Ginusto ko na maging bida ako pero hindi ko inakala na magiging babaeng bida ako. OO sa mga original na mga dula ni William ay mga lalaki talaga ang mga tauhan pero hindi ba modernong mundo na ang tinitirahan natin ngayon? hindi na pwede nalang ako maging si Romeo? Gwapo naman ako. At ang maging si Juliet ko ay isang tila napakagandang babae na ang balat ay kasing kinis ni Marian Rivera. "O! she doth teach the torches to burn bright" Nanghihina ako pagnakikita ko siya. Natutuwa ang pagkalalaki ko at gusto ko lamang siya makasama ng magisa lamang kami. Bakit hindi nalang xa ang ginawang Juliet? nakakainis naman eh. Tapos ang pangit pangit pa ni Romeo. dapat talaga ako nalang si Romeo. Bwisit.

Hindi bale. Ayos lang to. Sana lang hindi ako matuluyan sa ginagawa kong ito. Kadiri kaya. Isipin mo ako na sinasabi "Romeo, Romeo... Where art thou Romeo?!. Nandidiri talaga ako. Tumataas ang balahibo ko at bumabaluktot ang pagkalalaki ko. Kadiri talaga.

Sana lang hindi matuloy ang kissing scene na dapat mangyari. Pwede bang may dobol nalang? Ayaw ko ng ganun. Mahirap na. Paano kung magkagusto sakin si Romeo sa totoong buhay? Sana naman wag. Diyos ko tulungan niyo ako. Pero ganito, papayag ako sa isang halik kung ibibigay niyo sakin si Marian Rivera o si Angel Locsin. Magkaiba man kami ng mundo pero sila ang sinisigaw ng puso at pagkalalaki ko. Sila lamang wala nang iba.

Naririnig ko na ang napakatamis na boses nila "Rizal.. Rizal. Where are thou Rizal..." Ahhhhhhh.... Kung sana nga maging totoo... Kay ganda ng buhay.

Pero hindi ganyan ang kwento ni Romeo at Juliet. Eto ay isang kwento na puno ng pagmamahal pero paghihirap at sakit. Bagay nga naman pala sakin si Juliet. Ako ay isang certified "Emo". Kakayanin ko to. Ako si Juliet. Ako ay maganda. Ako ay magaling. Ako ay isang tunay na lalaki dahil hindi ako takot na gampanan ang isang posisyon na pambabae. Isa akong tunay na bayani. Mahuhulog ang loob sakin ng mga manonood dahil sa galing ko. Ako ang magiging pinakamagaling na Juliet sa buong mundo. Makikilala ako at ang aking reform movement at balang araw gagawa kami ng sarili naming mga dula at iikot kami sa buong mundo para maipakita ito sa ibang tao.

Magaling. Magaling. Nakikita ko na ang magandang buhas at ang mga naghihintay sakin. Dapat na ako magpractice magautograph. Sisikat na ako. Sana lang wag makielam tong mga bwisit na kastila. Mga seloso kasi. Hindi nila gusto na may pinoy na masmagaling sa kanila. Bahala sila. Ayaw nila maging Juliet... edi manigas sila. Kakayanin ko to.

Sige na mga kaibigan. Mageensayo na ulit kami. dapat galingan namin. Manood kayo ha! Mahal ko kayo lahat :P *wink wink!

"OH never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo."

My Bitter Kiss.

Written by: Maggie Dimaano.


I don't understand why I feel not diminished at all. I'll have to finish my painting by tomorrow...

Segunda was tearfully explaining why she cannot run away with me because of her loyalty to her family... which I am sure is under the influence of that imbecile, Manuel Luz's wealth!

"I am really sorry Pepe, my Love," she muttered.

"Am I not a better man over Manuel?"

"It has been arranged! I have an obligation as a daughter! There is nothing I can do."

What is wrong with her? Have I not done enough? Have I not done enough to prove that we belong together? I am tired trying to convince her! I've worked hard enough, and this! This is how I am treated?!

I GIVE UP!!!

"I understand," I replied.

"Hold me, please, my Love," she said.

I scooped her into my arms hoping that I could still carry her away...

We were at the same place where we use to meet, behind the plaza under the old Acacia Tree. I cannot help but notice that our kisses were not as sweet as it was then...


Old memories flashback as though it was just yesterday...


It was a warm evening. Don Consuelo invited the neighborhood for dinner at his home at the Second Calle before the plaza, at the eve of the fiesta. Segunda and I wandered from the feast to enjoy a walk outside.

I guess she noticed where I was leading her. I am not sure if I felt nervous, excited, but I assured myself that this is it. This is really it.

Walking hand by hand, we stopped near the plaza. I certainly remember every detail. I remember her cheeks turning red which she smile and giggle, as my voice tingles through her neck and ears as I whispered a poem about the most beautiful virgin of Calamba. But damn Padre Lopez for accusing me of plagiarism...

I cannot forget that innocent face glowing in the moonlight as I neared her. Slowly now...

"Should I continue? Should I stop?" I thought to myself.

But there is no turning back. She waits.

Then, nearer... even nearer...

A gust of wind seemed to engulf us as I pressed my lips into hers...

Oh yes. Oh yes.

It was the sweetest taste, and the warmest sensation! The sweetest lips... so soft... so warm.

That was a great evening... our first evening.


"Are you even listening?" Segunda muttered.

I was lost in my memories that I did not notice that she was returning the poem I gave her years back. How could she?!!! I poured myself over that poem! Maybe I'll write one about this.

"Farewell, my Segunda."

"Forgive me, my Love."

I walked away cursing the night... seeing in the midst of th the dark night, the first woman I've ever loved.

Ang Usapin ng Sapin-Paa at ang Ka-OA-han ng aking mga Kapatid

Babala:
Ang susunod na entry ay isang nagkabuholbuhol na ranting at, therefore, atin-atin lamang... sooo, shhhh!!!

So, Eto Na:

Marami ding nangyaring kataka-taka, kabigha-bighani, at kasuklam-suklam ngayong araw na ito. At syempre, nanaig ang suklam at ang napaka-nakaka-inis na pangyayari kaninang dapit hapon....

Sa pagkainip, tumayo ako bigla sa kinauupuan ko habang sakay ang isang barkong patungo sa isang destinasyong di ko naman alam, ni di ko binibigyan ng pansin --- in short, i don't really care at this point. Nabatid ko ang aking mga kapatid na nasa kabilang banda ng barko at napagdesisyunang makihalubilo muna sa kanila. Sa paglalakad ko, napahaba ang aking mga hakbang upang mapabilis ko ang aking paglapit nang namalayan ko ang init ng tanghaling-araw, piercing my skin like a thousand icy needles (syempre exagg 'to pero gets mo naman ang tayutay na pagmamalabis na may halong pagtutulad diba? haha), na naghalo sa maalat na atmospera dulot ng hanging humahaplos sa dagat. At dahil umaapaw ang aking eagerness sa paglalakad, ako ay nadulas, nagwala ang aking sapin-paa at tumilapon ito sa ere, all the way overboard, at eventually kinain ng kumikislap na dagat... ilang segundo ng pagkawala sa tubig, lumutang ito paibabaw, sumasabay sa baba at urong ng tubig na tila bang nang-aakit na sundin at kunin.

Overcome by extreme sadness with a tinge of fear for my loyal slipper, napatingin ako sa kapares niya na nakakapit pa sa aking kaliwang paa. Yumuko ako, tinanggal at hinawakan sa dalawang kamay ang nag-iisang pares... huling tingin, huling pagmamasid, at itinapon ko ito sa dagat para sumama sa pumalaot na niyang kapares. Well, yun na yun eh. Wala na akong magagawa. Eh kesa naman maglakad-lakad ako suot-suot isang tsinelas lang diba... magmumukha naman akong ewan. Nagising sa pagmumuni-muni, napatingin ako sa kung saan huli kong napansin ang aking mga kapatid. And wooow naman, nakatitig sila sa akin na parang may intensyong tunawin ako gamit ang kanilang mga mata.

Nagtitigan kami.

Ilang sandali lamang at yumanig ang sanlibutan sa lakas ng kanilang tawa. And apparently, they're laughing at me. Parang nabaliw si Kuya Paciano sa kakatawa habang hawak-hawak niya ang balikat ni Ate Narcisa na pilit namang pinipigilan (at umeffort pa si Ate, di naman kinaya) ang sariling halakhak. Hindi naman nagpatalo sina Ate Lucia at Ate Maria sa palakasan ng tawa. Sinabayan pa ng talon, sabay turo sa aking hubad na paa, sabay kapit sa isa't isa. Moral and Humor Support kumbaga. Si Ate Olympia naman at Si Ate Saturnina, nagtitilian sa isang sulok habang pinapatahimik ang mga tila nababaliw na anak nina Francisco Engracio Rizal Mercado y Alejandra II at Teodora Morales Alonso Realonda y Quintos.

Pepe, Baliw!

With all due respect Kuya and Ate's, I still own my sanity and it seems that it is you lot who are on the verge of forgetting theirs. What i just did, is not at all funny. Not at all. It isn't even on the same page as funny. Pilit ko mang sabihin, di pa rin nila ako pinakikinggan. Ouch.

May nakakatawa ba sa ginawa ko? Kailangan ko ba ng siyensya o mahika negra upang maipaliwanag ang lahat ng ito sa kanila? Pilit ko mang idikdik sa kanilang mga kaisipan ang rasyonal na dahilan sa aking ginawa, binibuhusan lamang nila ako ng tawa at sabay sabing hindi makatarungan ang ginawa ko. Nalulusaw na ang aking utak sa kaka-isip ng mga masasamang imahe ng talunan, saksakan, suntukan, at patayan ng mga magkakapatid na Rizal. Gusto ko silang sigawan at tirisin ang kanilang mga mukha upang idiin sa kanila na hindi kabaliwan ang ginawa kong iyon. Pero ano nga bang magagawa ng pagdarahas? Ang dahas mismo ay ang kabaliwang pumapaikot sa nahuhulog na dangal ng katauhan. Marahas ang pinipintas sa akin.. bagkus, hindi dahas ang dapat gamitin.

At bakit? Nawalan na ba sila ng sapin-paa sa barko at alam nila kung ano ang dapat maging reaksyon upang hindi pagtawanan ng mga madlang di-kilala? Hindi nila alam ang dinamikong pagtutunggali ng emosyon sa mga pangyayaring iyon: ang paghalu-halo ng kawalan sa nasawi kong tsinelas at ang tamis ng pag-asang may makakapulot nito at maari nila itong gamitin, mabigyan man ng sapin ang kanilang mga hubad na mga paa. Kapag may nakapulot ng kanang pares ng tsinelas ko na tumilapon, hindi naman niya magagamit yun kapag wala yung kaliwa. Kesa nga naman maglakad-lakad iyong nakapulot suot-suot ang isang kanang tsinelas lang,.. magmumukha naman siyang ewan... at baka, sakaling pagtatawanan pa xa ng mga ka-baryo niya, o di kaya ng sarili niyang mga kapatid. Kaya, ibinigay ko nalang ang kaliwang pares ng tsinelas ko. Ayoko kasing pinagtatawanan.

Kabaliwan ba ito? Ako na nga ang itong nagbigay at nawalan ng sapin sa paa, ako pa ang masama? (ang drama nga naman ng buhay ko)

Tssss....

Kaya, heto, pa-blog-blog nalang muna. Napagdesisyunan ko na sa kabila ng lahat, tama pa rin ang ginawa ko kanina. Hindi ko man inaasahan ang naging reaksyon ng aking mga kapatid, palihim ko munang itatago ang aking mga dahilan. Saka ko ipagtatapat ang lahat kapag nasa wastong pag-iisip na sila (hahaha). Ewan ko, basta hindi ito makakasira sa ugnayan ng kapatid sa kapatid. Malalaman din nila ang dahilan balang araw.

Darating at darating din tayo sa katotohanan.


Enough of the rant.

Sa mga tala at sa buwan,
Mahal niyo ko,

XOXO,
Jose Protasio

Now i know my ABC...

Earlier this morning, I was playing with my 3 year old nephew in the family’s living room as the little pepe seemed to materialize. I suddenly felt the light- heartedness and playfulness of a child. Is my imagination playing tricks with me again or is it my cute little nephew invoking the giddy and carefree mood? Whatever it may be, I just savored the moment. I call my nephew Pepe Junior because of numerous reasons. For one, He is my favorite nephew. Then, he really looks like me when I was still very little. But most of all, he acts and thinks like me…. Pepe Junior. The name suggests another significant figure in the history, right? Don’t you just love the name? :P

As Pepe(me) and Pepe Junior(nephew) were playing with our ever lovable writings and books.( note: playing for us means reading, writing and studying..VERY FUN! WHOOHOOo) , nostalgia seems to creep in. I instantly remembered the time when I was still in nursery just like my nephew. My mother used to be my first teacher. I would sit on her lap just like a baby and in return, she would teach me basic lessons such as the alphabet and some poetry. With this in mind, I decided to do the same with Pepe Junior. I taught him the alphabet and some of my favorite poems and writings. Unsurprisingly, he enjoyed it. He even told me that his new favorite novel is the noli me tangere…I think it goes with the genes. We have the same quality of taste! It made me even more proud of my nephew.

As I was teaching Pepe Junior some lessons, flashbacks of the past constantly pop in my head. I can still remember the times when mama would be surprised by the way I write. She said that I have a gift in writing. Back then, I didn’t really care as long as I’m enjoying what I do. My uncles and aunts were amazed as well. But as usual, I don’t really mind their praises. I also remember the time when my personal tutor taught me some lessons. Instead of me agreeing with him, it turned out to be the other way around. He was the one agreeing with my ideas especially in writing poems. Poems, writing, books... These are my prized possessions. While some of the kids noisily run, jump and play outside, I find myself immersing silently with books….books..and yes books..

“Tito Pepe!!! Look at this..”.. As I heard the voice of my nephew, I snapped back to reality. There I saw the poem that he made for me. It was entitled THE TRUE HERO. I was very touched. It made me realize that even though kids may not have degrees or professions, they can still make people amazed with their simple works like poems. Furthermore, it made me realize a more important lesson--- naive and carefree that kids may seem, they are still capable of appreciating other people’s small deeds of kindness. Now, it’s Pepe Junior’s time to make me agree with him.. I learned my ABC, again……..

Kolehiyo

Grabe naman talaga ang buhay O..!!!

Bakit ganoon? Dahil aktibista si Kuya Paciano at may kaugnayan siya kay Padre Burgos na isang martyr na pare nareject kaagad ang aplikasyon ko para pag mag-aral sa maynila. Dahil pa Mercado rin ako ibigsabihin wala kaming pinag-iba sa isa’t-isa? Aba ay hindi naman ata tama yan. Pero ano nga ba ang magagawa ko? Kailangan ko gawin ang kailangan kong gawin para makapag-aral ako.

Alam ko ang aking potensyal. Malayo ang mararating ko. Kailangan kong gawin ang pinayo saking ni Kuya. Dapat kong palitan ang aking pangngalan. Ano kaya ang magiging bago kong pangngalan?

Ang ganda nanaman kasi ng pangngalan ko eh; José Protasio Rizal Mercado y Alonso Realonda. Pero hangga’t isa akong Mercado at Realonda, hindi ako mattangap. Ano kaya ang magandang apelyido? Melonda? Recado? Menudo? Recado? Rotunda? Merienda? Grabe. Nakakapagod naman magisip. Ayaw ko magisip. Para gusto ko nalang mabuhay ng walang apelyido.

HALA! Teka. Maganda ideya yan. Hindi na ako magiging si JOSE RIZAL MERCADO Y REALONDA. “Hindi pinapansin ng aking pamilya ang aming ikalwang apelyidong Rizal, ngunit ngayon'y kailangang kong gamitin ito, kaya't lumalabas na ako'y parang isang anak sa labas!” Makikila nalang ako bilang si Jose Protasio Rizal. Wow. Ang angas ng panggalan ko. Pero pasensya na itay at inay. Kailangan ko ito gawin para lamang sa kinabukasan ko at sa kinabukasan nating lahat. Si kuya kasi eh. Pasaway. Pati tuloy ako nadamay. Tigas naman ng tae ni Paciano. GRRRRRR.

Pero di bale. Kaya ko to. Ang inay ko aking unang guro. Marami akong natutunan sa kanya. Ng mag-siyam na taon naman ako si Justiano Aquino Cruz ang nag-turo sakin ng aking mga alam ko ngayon at siya rin ang nakakita ng aking potensyal. Siya nga nagpayo sa mga magulang ko na mag-aral nalang ako sa Maynila eh. Marami kayang magandang babae sa Maynila? Sana naman. Kating kati na ang ano ko. GAAAAH. Pero sa susunod na iyon, dapat ko muna isipin pag-aaral ko.

Dapat kong galingan. Ano kaya ang kurso na babagay sakin? Panggagamot? Manghihilot? Magsasaka? Pilosopiya? Ang daaaaamiii…!!! Ano kaya ang babagay sakin? Ano kaya ang astigin na maging trabaho paglaki ko?

Hrmmmmmm…

AHHH!!! Alam ko na!

Dahil magaling naman ako mag-aaral ako ng agham at pagsasaka sa Ateneo Municipal de Manila at mag-aaral ako ng Pilosopiya at Panitikan sa Pamantasan ng Santo Tomas. Ayos un! Bilang araw tatawagin akong “The Philosophical Land surveyor farmer” at makikilala ako bilang isang magaling na manunulat. GRABEEEE!!! Excited na ako! WOOOOOO! Ayan. Ayan na ang plano ko. Sa Ateneo at Santo Tomas ako mag-aaral at gagawin ko ang lahat ng makakaya ko para maging pinakamagaling tapos pagkaya ko na… pupunta ako sa ibang bansa at mag-aaral. Kaya ko to. Kayang kayak o to.

Ako si Jose Protasio Rizal. Pilipino. Magaling. Astig!

blue

bluueeee

Remembering 1872...

Cowards... All of them. Damn those fiars. Using fellow countrymen to send GOMBURZA to their deaths... How low can they get?! Why drag the innocent into this? Most especially those who've done great works and only contributed to the betterment and improvement for both Filipinos and Spaniards alike. These friars don't want a future with Filipinos in them. They could very much eradicate the best of us and leave behind the voiceless and helpless ones to do their bidding. Fear... that's it. They fear us because we've reached a level that even they can no longer keep up with. They deserve to die in the very same way they put our dear fathers to death. We could do worse and we should let them know that! Death by hanging? Firing squad? Those friars lack creativity! I say we burn them alive then throw them into shark infested seas! Let's see what they think about that!... But no, that will not bring our beloved friends and family members back. It will only throw away what GOMBURZA have worked so hard on... And I am sure that is not what they would have wanted. There are always to sides to a coin. Just like us there are also innocent people amongst the Spaniards. In fact there are different people on the other side like the Jesuits. At least they have not become so greedy and power hungry that they would refuse to challenge our ideals head on and equally.

There's only one way to deal with this! I have to study! I have to work my ass off and save the country! But not through violence... I now realize it but I have had the mightiest weapon of all in the grasp of my hand and at the point of my fingers. Yes folks, you've guessed it! It is the pen (fountain version)! With it I will be invincible and from the paper to the hearts and minds of the people, the ideals that GOMBURZA and the rest of the fighting Filipinos out there (including me of course) shall be immortalized! No more bloodshed! I should know by now better than anyone that killing aggravates only more killing. Besides the Spaniards do not fear our military prowess or our fighting capabilities. They wish to get rid of us because we can best them at what they assumingly do best and that is our capability to learn and use that knowledge to our advantage. Even without weapons, I'll show the friars that the Filipinos are no ass-kissers! They'll be kissing our asses when I'm through with them (getting all pumped up!)! I'll master so many languages until they don't understand a word i'm saying!... (let me try that again...) I'll master so many languages that their tongues can only dream of achieving (better )! I'll prove their ideas ineffective not only because they are but... but (???)...but also because they suck! Heck, I'll probably even write a book on how much they suck and how much more we rock! (panting)

(sigh) Anyway... I better go buy more ink. I'm probably gonna need some more... a whole lot more... Paper too... I wonder if they're on sale today...

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